February 14 is perhaps the most dreaded day on the calendar for some men. It's that highly commercial and costly 'holiday' that so many women love. Love. That four-letter word. They say Valentine's Day is the day for love or lovers and the symbolism lies not just in the red heart, the red and white clothing, but the gift that one must buy to show love. As I write this blog, there are men in the doghouse, having failed to deliver on the gift. One could argue that it's materialism, but perhaps psychologist, Dr. Gary Chapman would disagree.
About 10 years ago, as I matured and tried to decipher what I wanted in a relationship, a close friend of mine recommended that I read Chapman's book, The 5 Love Languages. To date, it remains among my favourites on my personal development reading list. The theory is straightforward: we must love someone the way they want to be loved and we must be loved the way we want to be loved in order to be happy and fulfilled in a relationship. Yes, we must know our primary love language and that of our partner. Otherwise, things could go south really swiftly and painfully.
Because, imagine giving your best shot, only to find it wasn't good enough. There is no one size fits all in the realm of relationships. The way Mary received love is different than how Sue receives love.
So, what are the 5 Love Languages? They are: Physical Touch, Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service and Receiving Gifts. You could continually carry out acts of service to one whose primary love language is physical touch and it would hardly rock their boat. Their love tank would still be empty and you'd be left wondering why your partner is unhappy despite all that you've done.
When I read this book, did the quiz and discovered my primary love language, I learned a lot about myself and the kind of relationship that I want. It also opened my eyes to the significance of observing and learning how my partner wants to be loved so I can also make him happy. It is simple: do more of what they love. And if you pay attention, you'll discover their primary love language without ever asking them to do the quiz, although doing the quiz together can be a fun and intriguing activity.
It didn't come as a surprise to me that my primary love language is Quality Time and it explained why any relationship which didn't fulfill this need was an epic fail! I don't see you, I feel neglected, get bored and you nearly cease to exist. Can you tell that long distance relationships aren't for me?
The interesting thing about taking the test is that it not only tells you your primary love language, it also ranks the other 4 love languages in order of priority. It makes sense that although you have a primary love language, you do have a need for the others as well, but ultimately, there's one which supersedes all others.
These were my results: Quality Time (30%), Physical Touch (27%), Receiving Gifts (23%), Acts of Service (13%) and Words of Affirmation (7%). Alright! So I don't care much for 'sweet nothings'. Be there or be gone. I love affection and the occasional gift. Help me out a little and say I love you, etc. The quiz explains all 5 as follows:
Quality Time
In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, "I love you," like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there – with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby – makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful. Quality Time also means sharing quality conversation and quality activities.
Physical Touch
This language isn't all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face – they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive. Physical touch fosters a sense of security and belonging in any relationship.
Receiving Gifts
Don't mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous – so would the absence of everyday gestures. Gifts are visual representations of love and are treasured greatly.
Acts of Service
Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an "Acts of Service" person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: "Let me do that for you." Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don't matter. Finding ways to serve speaks volumes to the recipient of these acts.
Words of Affirmation
Actions don't always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, "I love you," are important – hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten. Kind, encouraging, and positive words are truly life-giving.
So back to Valentine's Day, it is possible that if this day is significant to your partner, their primary love language is Receiving Gifts and the lack thereof on the 14th will make them feel unloved and cause major problems. Men in particular, have harped on theories surrounding the origin of Valentine's Day and refuse to celebrate it to their detriment.
Perhaps you might broker a deal not to celebrate it but fill the gap with surprise gifts on 'just because' days, as well as other special days on the calendar like Christmas, Birthdays or Anniversaries. Otherwise, if you don't feel strongly opposed to this 'fool-fool holiday', and she means that much to you, just buy the gift for a peaceful life. And ladies, if this is your primary love language, find you a man who loves to buy gifts and save yourself the heartache of fighting it out or feeling depressed on Valentine's Day.
Speaking of birthdays, that Receiving Gifts ranks number 3 for me, explains a lot. Many of you know about the annual countdown to April 17. And oh, since I am not about that life of being miserable on my birthday, I have no shame in naming possible gifts. See? I told you it teaches you a lot about yourself. Now, go take the test and thank me later. https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language
One Love! ❤
I am Suzette Campbell
Note: Originally published on February 16, 2022
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