When the pastor invited mothers to stand in church on Mother’s Day, Camille Hyatt-Wisdom was uncertain whether she should remain seated or stand. Weeks earlier, she had suffered the painful loss of her baby girl, Johari Amaya. A married Christian woman, Camille had started to relish the idea of motherhood in her early 30s.
“We were not actively planning at the time when I became pregnant, so you could call it an oops!,” she said.
At 25 weeks, Camille went to the doctor for her usual check-up and was told that her blood pressure was elevated, protein in her urine, as well as puffy fingers and toes. “I had just lost my grandmother, so I told the doctor that perhaps that was a trigger. When I returned the following week, it was even worse, so I was admitted to the hospital,” Camille explained.
Still, Camille anticipated a short hospital stay, as she her grandmother’s funeral was in one week’s time. But being hospitalised for 4 weeks meant she would miss the funeral. At 29 weeks pregnant, it was revealed that Camille had preeclampsia, a serious blood pressure condition that develops during pregnancy. She was told that the appropriate treatment was delivery.
“A regular baby born at that stage could have probably survived, but due to the condition, she wasn’t getting the proper nutrients, and was underdeveloped. They kept me in the hospital to see if she could develop some more,” she said.
Johari lived for 2 days, a turn of events that Camille did not anticipate. “One of my biggest regrets is not touching her. I had a c-section on a Saturday, I was under heavy medication, so it wasn’t until Monday that I was able to move around in a wheelchair. When I saw her connected to the machines, her little chest rising and falling so rapidly, I cried until there were no more tears. The doctor said I could touch her, and I didn’t want to, because I was afraid that I would contaminate her,” she said.
About 30 minutes later, the doctors came to Camille’s room and told her that Johari had died. Having spent more than J$70,000 in medication to save her baby, she had hoped for a better outcome.
“I actually remained on the labour ward. So, can you imagine I am hearing all these babies crying around me, seeing all these mothers with their babies, and I don’t have my baby? The student nurses came regularly, they asked a lot of questions, they’re drawing blood, and so on. It was horrible,” she added.
Back home from the hospital, Camille had to face the clothing and items at home that should have been worn or used by her baby girl. A woman of faith, depression hit, and her faith tested, as she questioned why this had befallen her.
“The most painful part that I can remember is looking in the mirror and seeing the milk coming out of my breasts. It broke me. I bawled. I did not want to live. It was the first time in my life that I thought of ending it, because I had never experienced that kind of pain,” she recounted.
Camille and her husband went to see a counsellor, as he too was suffering from the loss. “That did a lot for me. Family was very loving and caring, who dragged me out of the house on my birthday to Hope Gardens where we had ice cream. She was due in June but was born and died in my birth month. She was born April 2, died April 4 and my birthday was April 13,” she said.
On Mother’s Day in May, Camille thought she was strong enough to accompany her mother to church, but it was another painful commemorative day. Bravely, she stood up in church telling herself, “I am still a mother.”
Camille returned to work in June and faced yet another tough date. “When the 15th came around, which was her due date, I just broke. My co-worker took me to her car and allowed me to cry,” she said.
As time rolled on, she found talking to be an effective coping strategy. “I would talk about her to anyone who would listen, even to this day, because I never want to forget that she existed, and that helps me to heal even now,” Camille added.
Uncertain about whether she wanted to risk being pregnant again, Camille picked up her pieces cautiously over the next few months. “There was a nurse who had told me that it was likely to happen again. It took a toll on me and my marriage because I did not want to be intimate. But I logged into my faith and got closer to God, and eventually, a peace came over me, and I believed that God has the final say, and if it is His will, we will have another child,” she said.
About 10 months after the loss of Johari, Camille was pregnant again. “At 9 weeks, I started spotting and I thought I was going to lose the baby. My blood pressure was high, so I thought it was happening again, especially because the nurse had told me it would. But my doctor assured me that was not the case, as the chance of having preeclampsia lessens with each pregnancy,” she said.
Camille developed a positive mindset, telling herself that everything would be fine. “It was the perfect pregnancy, if ever there was one. I enjoyed it, took pictures, and celebrated every milestone, especially at 29 weeks,” she said.
Despite what she describes as a perfect pregnancy, Camille said the delivery was far from it. “I had to get another c-section one week earlier than planned at 38 weeks. On the operating table, I became unresponsive. I almost died, because I was dehydrated and my blood pressure was low,” she said.
This time, Camille would go home with a bouncing baby boy, Liam.
Amid conversations of Jamaica’s low birth rate, the pressure is on for women to have more babies. It is a delicate subject for many women who face questions from family, friends, colleagues about why they have no children or when they plan to do so. For women who have silently suffered loss, it is a painful conversation they wish they could avoid.
“I am now in a support group called ‘4Damani’ which sheds light on pregnancy and infant loss in Jamaica. We come together and we share our experiences, including the things that society says to us that are so inappropriate, sometimes, unknowingly. Recently a lady asked me if I don’t think my son needs company,” she said.
Camille wants society to be more mindful of what is said to women about childbearing because many suffer in silence. According to statistics, 1 in 4 women suffer a pregnancy or infant loss, but many keep it a secret as they feel nobody quite understands. “They tell women to stop crying, get over it because they can always have another baby. It is even worse when they say it was just a fetus, and not a real baby. There is a woman in the group who has lost 7 babies, and that’s why the group is so important,” she said.
4Damani was formed by a mother who lost her baby boy, Damani, with the use of the number 4 being symbolic because of the statistics. The Founder, Crystal-Gayle Williams also had preeclampsia. “She invited me to join on Facebook and WhatsApp when I contacted her after hearing her interview on radio. Women come and go, because for some it is triggering so they leave. I have been able to help 3 women who now have their rainbow babies,” she said.
Rainbow babies are the ones who are born after a loss.
October is observed as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month internationally. “Jamaica is the only Caribbean nation that celebrates it this actively. The 15th of October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. We have this thing called 'Wave of Light', where at 7:00pm we light a candle wherever we are for about one hour in honour of our angels. This year, 4Damani did a virtual linkup, so we were online with our candles,” she explained.
Camille hopes to see increased awareness and observation. “Just like emphasis is placed on other things like cancer, I want persons to be more sensitive to these women and find out how they can help. No matter how many years pass, you’ll never forget that death because that child was a part of you. Some persons get impatient with loss mothers. ‘Get over it, stop bawl now’. Women in the group have shared that their relationships ended because their partners were not supportive,” she said.
As a result, there is also a WhatsApp group for the men, formed by Crystal’s husband. “Men feel it too, but they don’t talk so it is not as well-supported as the women’s group,” she added.
Camille also wants medical practitioners to be gentler in the aftermath. “I have heard of overseas hospitals with robust programmes that help mothers. We need that here. Don’t put us in the same space where we hear babies crying. Avoid the technical terms like ‘the deceased’,” she said.
The symbol for the observance of Pregnancy and Infant Loss is a blue and pink ribbon. It is my wish that having read this, you will not only help to spread awareness, but also be deliberately sensitive in dealing with loss mothers.
Johari Amaya’s picture makes Camille smile on some days, and cry on others.
I am Suzette Campbell
P.S. *For Nicole, Kearie, Joy, Michelle-Ann, Stephanie, Carolene, Donna-Marie....
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