“Too bad! They give women ‘bun’ all the time and are unavailable, so the women find other men to entertain them. They must learn to treat women better,” said one female who showed zero empathy for Jamaican men in the wake of fresh discussions highlighting Jamaica as having the highest rate of paternity fraud in the world at 34.6%.
Another female declared that “women are simply giving as good as they get”.
In both conversations, I realised that I was perhaps in the minority admonishing women who commit paternity fraud or give ‘jacket’ as Jamaicans call it, and it got me thinking. Has the ‘gyalis’ culture caught up with Jamaican men? And are women comforted that some among them are ‘taking one for the team’ and therefore standing in solidarity with them?
Monogamy is sometimes said to be an unrealistic expectation of men, and the belief may have led to society being somewhat accepting of infidelity when it comes to men. However, women have perpetually been held to a higher standard and expected to be faithful and forgiving, no matter what. When a man cheats, you might hear a Jamaican say, “A man him name. A so dem stay”.
But the scarlet letter is on standby for when a woman engages in adultery - the “skettel” label being assigned within a Jamaican context for a woman deemed as ‘loose’ or having multiple partners.
The Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne tells the story of Hester Prynne, who conceives a daughter with a man to whom she is not married and then struggles to create a new life of repentance and dignity in a Puritan society. As punishment, she must wear a scarlet letter 'A' (for "adultery"). Though that novel was set in the 17th century, not much has changed today as society will never be as accepting of women who do not walk the straight and narrow path in relationships. Indeed, the invisible scarlet letter is alive and well.
Women have openly been the victims of infidelity, some having to go as far as to take in the ‘outside child’ of their partners just to maintain their place in the home, lest a split causes them to lose that place to the newest ‘baby mother’ on the block. The effects of infidelity run cold and deep. Infidelity can have a significant negative impact on a woman's mental health, often leading to feelings of betrayal, decreased self-esteem, trust issues, anxiety, depression, and even post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) in some cases, as the act of being cheated on can be deeply traumatic and undermine a woman's sense of security in a relationship.
It is a widely held view that neglected women cheat. Women cheat for reasons including a lack of love, sexual dissatisfaction, and feeling unfulfilled in their relationship. Other reasons include revenge, boredom, and situational factors like distance or money.
Lack of love – Both men and women may have different interpretations of love. A hardworking man may think that he’s giving all the love he can by putting food on the table. But a woman may want his attention after a long day, date nights, and so on.
Sexual dissatisfaction – It is easy for romance to get lost either in the hustle of life or the comfort of longevity. Men stop caring about sexually pleasing their women, and a routine sexual act occurs in which mainly the man finds enjoyment.
Boredom – When time with the boys or other activities take precedence over her, boredom sets in. In Jamaica, there isn’t quite a dating culture, and that needs to change.
Distance – This physical space between lovers who cannot touch each other can be a recipe for disaster. Whether it be in the same country or separate countries, an agreement is key between the two and it must include some sort of calendar for time together.
Money – Unfortunately, relationships are at times transactional. A man with more dollars to give, could easily lure away the type of woman who has money high on her list of requirements from a man.
Revenge - "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned", and as art mirrors life, Jamaican music does not fall short of telling stories we see around us daily. ‘Bun fi Bun’ by Captain Barkey was a popular dancehall hit in the 1990s which chronicled the situation in which a woman reciprocates the infidelity…
‘Some man a gi bun an a get back bun, a no nutten dat, call it bun fi bun’.
Author, Erik S. Gray has a famous quote which says, “Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit!”
In chess, the queen is considered the most powerful piece on the board, able to move any number of squares in any direction - vertically, horizontally, or diagonally, effectively combining the powers of a rook and a bishop; making her the most versatile and potent attacking force in the game. The Jamaican woman has emerged as one to be feared in the game of infidelity…indeed she is the queen of ‘jacket’. After all, when it comes to cheating, it is generally believed that women do it better. It causes me to wonder what of the ones for which we have no evidence?
All things considered, of course, there are some women who don’t need a reason to cheat. For example, I cannot imagine a reasonable explanation for giving a man multiple 'jackets'. In other cases, people get caught in a ‘White Lie’, according to Tanya Stephens. A powerful dancehall lyricist, Stephens’ lyrics are powerful and thought-provoking, stirring multiple emotions like anger and empathy all at the same time…
You got your daddy's smile, you got his eyes
I feel my heart breaking every time you cry
I'm gonna burn in hell, but it’s no sacrifice
Your stability is worth a million lies
I see your daddy, in everything you do
And if you could talk, I'll bet you'll talk like him too
But he can't be your daddy, I hope you understand
The man who thinks he's your father
Is a much better man
And so it is, many ‘jackets’ are knowingly and wilfully cut-to-fit. The statistics say a high percentage of men presenting themselves for testing are not the father, with up to 70 per cent of them getting adverse results at some clinics.
It is interesting to note that while Jamaica sits atop the world for paternity fraud, the second-place holder is another black country, Nigeria, with 30%. Perhaps a study examining the relationship dynamics of men and women in both countries? Further, there is an overall conversation to be had about black family life or the lack thereof. Where do we start with repairing the damages to hearts and families and ultimately create stronger, lasting unions?
How about we revisit the idea of strengthening black communities starting with the way men and women treat each other? A return to love…if for nothing else, our children.
I Am Suzette Campbell